It seems ridiculous that a pop song could bring a grieving
mother comfort. Although I have to admit, that is the truth.
This is the part when I say I don’t want ya
[the sadness]
I’m stronger than I’ve been before
This is the part when I break free
‘Cause I can’t resist it no more [my living life]….
I only wanna die alive [not from my grief]
Never by the hands of a broken heart
Don’t wanna hear you lie tonight [the devil in my ear]
Now that I’ve become who I really am [ a survivor]
When it came to Madeleine’s 3rd birthday this
song got me through that period because I did – I felt stronger. I felt
unbroken by my grief. I felt like it is ok for me to want to live for today,
for this life, for my family in my care. And true to the grip that is grief, I
am weaker now than in October. September and October are brutal – Childhood Cancer
awareness month followed immediately by her October 2nd birthday. It’s
a daily – near hourly – pounding into my head and heart why my child is not with us, and
then the feeble attempt to recognize one of the most glorious days in my life –
the day I gave birth to her. Followed by what seems to be the slow motion of the
family holidays – Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas. We love her so much, and
miss her nearly as much. Right now I’m struggling to find the strength to feel
ok this holiday season.
Annalise brings me so much joy – her smile, just staring at
her while she’s doing something she loves, completely unaware that I’m drinking
her in to my memory, cherishing every curve of her face, every quirky lick of
her lips, every blink of her long, thick eyelashes. I am so in love with my
child and I thank Jesus every day for giving her to me to love, appreciate and
teach, as often as I stumble and try not to fail.
My mom said it beautifully the other day – Madeleine was
just too perfect for this world; and I appreciate those words so much. At the same
time, Daddy and I will never understand or make sense of what happened; why she
suffered so much in this life. Life is not fair: no one knows that statement to
be truer than a parent who has lost a child.
For whatever reason, today is tougher than others. Today I miss her terribly - not that that changes from day to day, but today hurts just a little bit more, a little more sad.
For whatever reason, today is tougher than others. Today I miss her terribly - not that that changes from day to day, but today hurts just a little bit more, a little more sad.
