It has been a long time. Too long. And it's not that I have a ton of time, because I don't; it's the therapeutic and hopefulness aspects that I miss.
When Madeleine was first diagnosed, it was before our Facebook group of AT/RT parents, before her diagnosis actually, when I was researching the many "rare" brain tumors and I stumbled across a blog (I will not mention their name). As a parent looking for hope, I felt my heart literally being tortured; being pressed through a grater and ripped to shreds as I read about this sweet blue-eyed boy and his father's immense sorrow in losing him. I pressed on, because I thought there has to be some sunlight in this very dark place I was reading. Nope... there may have been one or two small rays of light, but for the most part it was just ANGUISH. Debilitating heartbreak. I pulled myself away but clearly, have never forgotten this man's account of loss.
I made a decision. Although I too feel how this father felt, and there are times that I want or need to let something out, I need to focus on the HOPE. For me personally, if I spend too much time in the hurt, it doesn't benefit me or the living children I have that need me. There are too many obstacles in this life that command one's attention in the present to live in the hurtful, debilitating past. I see it this way: I have kept the best of Madeleine with me. I wear her memory daily and I speak to her daily; my daughter talks to her and about her daily; her smile is a focal point each and every day. I have chosen to love her and let that love warm my skin like the sunshine that she is on a sunny day.
From this sunny day in Los Angeles, I have decided to write again. I may change the name of the blog, but M will always be a HUGE part of who I am and the identity of our family. She is still very much a part of each of us, of our daily life, and who we are all learning to become as individuals. So in Madeleine's honor, we will press on.
