December 22

Why has it taken so long to make such an observation: we don't seem to get our Christmas act together until today, or tomorrow? Is it because today, or the anniversary of today, is THE DAY that changed our life FOREVER? It's a strange place to be. I can't forget it. It will never go away. It causes me anxiety, stress, inactivity. I don't want to pay any homage or something. How do you recognize something so significant, and just put it away, or nothing at all? Maybe that is the right thing to do, just acknowledge it and move on. 

Thursday, December 22, 2011

A family of four.

An afternoon pediatrician's visit, and apology.

A rushed goodbye. 

A worried phone call. 

A dark & private emergency room.

A CT scan

A mass?? SHOCK

A hospital admission. The pediatric intensive care unit. A worried mama and daddy. A sleepless night in a hard chair. 

The day that changed my life forever. I hate you. I hate what you've done. Yes I'm so so so grateful for what we have now. But I hate this day. I miss her. I love her!

Your 8th birthday

Dear Madeleine, 

Today has been such a trying day. I think Daddy and I both have been neglecting our hearts because it was such a hard day. Eight years ago, we were elated! Walking on clouds! You were our second beautiful baby girl. Your 2 year old sister proudly wore Big Sister t-shirts, and we were such a little happy party of four. 

Why?? Why, my love were you chosen? Why did this happen to us!!? Almost seven years since you left us, and we still cannot process what's happened. We miss you so terribly! Annalise does too. We have this awful, special bond because the three of us loved you, held you....lost you. The little girls know you; they know your smile, your toys. But they don't share what we share. They are too little still to understand why mommy, daddy and sister are crying on a birthday. Aren't we supposed to sing and blow out candles? Isn't it a happy day? 

Madeleine, you blessed me beyond measure. I will always thank God for giving you to me, to us. I'd do it all again if it meant I got to have you in my arms again. I'm just so sad tonight baby, and I'm sorry. I'm truly so sorry to cry on your birthday. We just miss you so much and wish so badly you were alive. This morning Violet said on the way to school that she heard you say, thank you Mommy, when I said happy birthday baby. Her pure, gentle heart made me feel at peace. The rest of the day was just unbearable. I miss you, my darling. I wish you were here. I wish I knew who you would be and what your voice sounded like as an 8 year old. I will always miss you baby. I love you so much Madeleine. Good night my sweet angel!! 

Your baby sister’s first birthday

Dear Madeleine,
Every now and again I go back and read the snapshots of our life frozen in time within these written posts. It helps me to remain grateful for the time we had together, and for the time since. The other day I reread your Daddy's post about how he wanted to selfishly keep you and Annalise to himself. And how he promised to paint the most important and beautiful picture of you to any other siblings you may have. That made me smile and love him even more than I already do. The two little sisters we've welcomed in the last five years bring us such joy and sleepless nights. Violet at 3 years old absolutely knows your face and your status as her big sister- she will tell anybody when pointing to any of your pictures. She asks about you; she will tell me which toys belong to you. She even once told me that she played with you, and I have absolutely no doubt that her statement is true. I KNOW it in my bones that you are in our home daily. I feel your presence. And I know the innocent little children at least in my family have always had a clairvoyance difficult for adults to process.
So it is just a matter of time before Genevieve will also tell me she knows you and knows your face. Today is her first birthday! And I believe you have a special connection. I can't remember if she was still in my tummy or first born, when Annalise asked how will Madeleine know the baby? I told her just like with Violet, that you helped Jesus choose her for us. That all babies are a gift from heaven and you got to know them and love them even before us, before they came into this world and so you have a special relationship with each of your sisters. I will always tell them that story: Annalise got to have you here on earth, and they got to have you in heaven before they arrived. How precious, my Love!!
Miss you so much Squishy.... one day closer baby.

January 9, 2018

January 9, 2018

Five years. F I V E years!? How can that be? I don't need an anniversary to remind me how much I miss you or how long you've been gone. I just need space this day, to love you, to cry, to love our family as gentle and sweetly as I can, because that is what you are to me: pure, precious LOVE.
What this day reminds me of mostly is how much I wish I could hold you again, to feel your arms around my neck, to hear your sweet voice say Mama, or I love you. I'd give almost anything to have that just once more. So today, I will bake. I will cook. I will smile and say sweet things to your sisters and to Daddy, out of my everlasting love for you Madeleine.
See you in a wink my love. And please visit me in my dreams. Kiss kiss Squishy.