Dear Madeleine

I'm pretty proud of myself Squishy. This last week was not an easy one, but today I watched some of your videos and SMILED for I couldn't help myself!! You were so cute!!! And wonderful, blessed memories: your first and only real bath in the tub, your one and only Christmas, watching yourself in the camera of Daddy's phone and telling yourself "hi baby". Such wonderful memories. And I got to watch them without any sadness, without crying, just LOVING you. And it felt good.

I love you Madeleine. Miss you tons baby. 

Dear Madeleine

I see your face, your big beautiful smile. I miss you so much!!! How God must have so much faith and love for me because I don't understand why this is our path. what I wouldn't give to go back and just be a regular family! and not have to worry about anything but loving you and takoing care of you.!! I miss you so much. I hate days like today. Started off on the wrong foot, whatever it is-it's all a mess. and all I want is YOU. nothing more, nothing less. and my heart weeps because you're gone. and I just want you here! I know it's not your job to save me. It's not your job to make me feel better. I'm the mommy, it's my job to just be your mommy and the best one I can be, to you and to sister. I didn't get that opportunity. I didn't get all the rewards from being a good mommy. Instead I got a broken heart!!! I just miss you so much. I don't want anyone or anything else, I just wish I could have you back, that you never left. Please God, take care of my baby/ Give her all my love!! I love you my Squishy, my Angel. My heart hurts every day for you. Today it's invading my face, my tears, my joy to be with family. It's so hard. I just miss you,

Dear Madeleine

 NEGU Gala

Dear Madeleine Baby, mommy couldn't wait to come see you today!! I was so proud last night, you were my Shining Star!! Seeing your pictures on the big screen at the Gala took my breath away. I gasped as I saw your sweet, smiling face, and with tears I snapped a quick picture before Daddy and I went to the stage and did a Pay It Forward to another family, selecting a magic #42 to bless another kid fighting cancer, to bring them joy and support, just like they did for us. I know God has put Jessie's family in our lives. Everything they do is for kids like you and Jessie. I'm so proud to be your Momma. Of course I'd give it all up to have you. Sometimes I think that's one reason you had to go; because I couldn't give as much or love as much if you were still here. You were my life!!!! I miss you terribly!!! God tries to remind me that you are safer and healthier than ever there with Him, not to worry because you're in paradise. I know, I know. It will never be enough though to take away the heartbreak I have because you had to go so soon. I miss you every minute of every day. I know we have to keep living, cause that's the only way I can get to you!!!


I miss you crazy bad Baby, but I know tomorrow will be better and we'll be together again. I love you!!!!

This week's flowers for you Baby

The Day God Took You Home

I read this nearly every day. Some days I cry. Some days I feel immense strength.

Missing You

A Letter to Madeleine

We miss you so much Precious!!
We talked about you a lot today. Sister told me more than once that she needs you. I told her I need you too. I can't listen to the audio on these videos.... I literally can't breathe if I do. It still just hurts too too too much. But that's ok; I would live with this pain forever and ever if it meant you did not hurt ever again. And I know you don't. We got a new special book that sister and I read together. It's called Mommy Please Don't Cry, there are no tears in heaven. Sister likes to tell me that when she sees I'm sad. I appreciate her help more than ever now. She helps me to get up and get on with each day. One day she will understand how she saved me during this time of missing you. I miss you baby, I love you so much. I can't wait to get to you. Love you my Sunshine. kiss kiss