I'm dying to blog again!

It has been a long time. Too long. And it's not that I have a ton of time, because I don't; it's the therapeutic and hopefulness aspects that I miss.

When Madeleine was first diagnosed, it was before our Facebook group of AT/RT parents, before her diagnosis actually, when I was researching the many "rare" brain tumors and I stumbled across a blog (I will not mention their name). As a parent looking for hope, I felt my heart literally being tortured; being pressed through a grater and ripped to shreds as I read about this sweet blue-eyed boy and his father's immense sorrow in losing him. I pressed on, because I thought there has to be some sunlight in this very dark place I was reading. Nope... there may have been one or two small rays of light, but for the most part it was just ANGUISH. Debilitating heartbreak. I pulled myself away but clearly, have never forgotten this man's account of loss.

I made a decision. Although I too feel how this father felt, and there are times that I want or need to let something out, I need to focus on the HOPE. For me personally, if I spend too much time in the hurt, it doesn't benefit me or the living children I have that need me. There are too many obstacles in this life that command one's attention in the present to live in the hurtful, debilitating past. I see it this way: I have kept the best of Madeleine with me. I wear her memory daily and I speak to her daily; my daughter talks to her and about her daily; her smile is a focal point each and every day. I have chosen to love her and let that love warm my skin like the sunshine that she is on a sunny day.

From this sunny day in Los Angeles, I have decided to write again. I may change the name of the blog, but M will always be a HUGE part of who I am and the identity of our family. She is still very much a part of each of us, of our daily life, and who we are all learning to become as individuals. So in Madeleine's honor, we will press on.

First Day Feelings

Today I started my new job. I haven't worked a full time job in over 2 years. The last time I went to a full time job, I had a big pregnant belly, expecting a beautiful healthy new baby. And while today should be about the excitement, anxiety or humor of the day, I'm reminded instead of another first day, the first day of the rest of my life. Thursday, December 22, 2011. Not many who reads this will remember that day like we do. I remember I called my grandparents to ask for intense prayers. I called my mother on her way to my sister's school play. I made those calls on our way to the emergency room where a neurosurgeon was waiting for us, expecting us. It was the day nothing made sense and I was scared beyond the depths of my soul.

Please read about Madeleine's Day 1. Read it today. Now. Allow yourself to feel what you may, knowing now what you didn't know then. That feeling in your chest, that shake of your head, that tear on your cheek; let it resonate. 

And then please share it. Share what you felt on your first day, the first day you learned about Madeleine, what you thought, what you felt, what it made you do. Please, if you love our girl, please continue to share her story and what effect she had on you. Because that day, December 22, 2011, I wasn't a cancer mom yet. I had no clue, no real awareness about pediatric cancer. In fact I didn't even realize when they said "she has a mass in her brain, we think it could be a tumor," even THAT statement did not translate to me: my child may have cancer.

We have to educate the world around us. Everyone should have a cause: homelessness, human trafficking, animal cruelty, universal healthcare, animal rights. Whatever it may be, have a cause, do something right for the planet and humanity. If you haven't yet found your CAUSE, please join mine. A CURE for children with cancer. 

Dear Madeleine

I see your face, your big beautiful smile. I miss you so much!!! How God must have so much faith and love for me because I don't understand why this is our path. what I wouldn't give to go back and just be a regular family! and not have to worry about anything but loving you and takoing care of you.!! I miss you so much. I hate days like today. Started off on the wrong foot, whatever it is-it's all a mess. and all I want is YOU. nothing more, nothing less. and my heart weeps because you're gone. and I just want you here! I know it's not your job to save me. It's not your job to make me feel better. I'm the mommy, it's my job to just be your mommy and the best one I can be, to you and to sister. I didn't get that opportunity. I didn't get all the rewards from being a good mommy. Instead I got a broken heart!!! I just miss you so much. I don't want anyone or anything else, I just wish I could have you back, that you never left. Please God, take care of my baby/ Give her all my love!! I love you my Squishy, my Angel. My heart hurts every day for you. Today it's invading my face, my tears, my joy to be with family. It's so hard. I just miss you,