Missing You

Her Cross Returned

I'm new to the iPhone. Today I accidentally double-clicked the circle, and Madeleine's song, "You Are My Sunshine," started playing. Happy tears :')

The good news is, Madeleine's cross was returned to her Grandmother.
The bad or sad news is that the cemetery staff were not only responsible, but lazy and unaccountable for the situation.

Apparently something happened during the Thursday gardening; the curved stake holding the cross in placed was snapped in two. Mind you, the cemetery has very specific guidelines for what can be displayed at any time, and they do allow for 2 weeks of items placed during the Holy Week. Madeleine's grandmother followed the specifications to a tee- exactly the right size, material, everything- in order to ensure Madeleine would have her cross for 2 weeks. We can only assume that when the stake was broken, the gardener took everything, including the rosary and stuck it in a bag with her plot number and everything. However, we discovered it was missing on Saturday before Easter when her grandmother returned with fresh flowers. She herself went into the cemetery office and they couldn't locate any information. For several days they inquired over the phone with various supervisors to no avail. Finally she went herself to the maintenance yard and spotted her cross with all of the baby's information.
We are all infuriated at the lack of respect we have been shown in this circumstance, and we do plan to address it. However, Jeff and I are relieved that it was not stolen, that some cruel person did not diminish the memory of Madeleine by covering up her face or defacing the cross for another purpose. It is safe now in her Grandmother's care and can be used again in her precious memory.

Easter and threes

It has been almost three months.

In the quiet of today's afternoon while the kids are napping, I'm taking the batteries out of the baby toys to put them into storage. They've been sitting in a basket in my room for 2 weeks. It was hard enough to gather them all together, to separate them from the life we so desperately tried to instill in Big Sister that were there to share, and separate them to put away. The truth is we need the space. I am being forced to put  Madeleine's memories away out of necessity. That was enough that day. I thought today I've got to get these put away already, it's just taking up space, cluttering. I made sure all of the power buttons and switches were turned off; the sound of her toys bursts me into tears every time. And one by one I removed the batteries from each little door. No more life in those toys. Unable to make any more sounds. And I'm going to put them into a plastic box and put it out of sight, just like I frequently do with my feelings so I don't have to feel how bad I hurt, how much I miss her, how much I wish I could hold her or hear her laugh or see her smile. Because every time I allow myself to feel it, a part of me dies inside, over and over again. I know God had another purpose for Madeleine, I just don't like it that she's away from me. One day here, the next day gone- I felt prepared, I felt like watching her suffer was the most unimaginable thing I would ever experience in my lifetime. And perhaps it was. Right now just feels like hell.

This Easter- a new one for the books, just like the one before it, and the one before that, and the one before that. This year our baby is in heaven, and we are heartbroken. To add insult to injury, the gorgeous cross her grandmother made for her disappeared from her grave site.

We all felt like a punch to the gut, another slash across our broken hearts. God help the person who took it, if that's what happened, because they clearly have no conscience at all, stealing from a child's grave. Jeff and I hope and pray it was the wind, and that we can still get it back. Grandma is on the hunt with the cemetery office if it was the gardening staff.

Easter 2012

Last Easter Madeleine was in the hospital, so we were too; Sister was 2 years old and having a blast at church and at the Easter egg hunt and family party- mommy and daddy who....

The year before that Madeleine was still the unnamed baby I was nurturing in my womb, trying to do everything right to make a healthy baby, and Sister looked so pretty.

Easter 2011

Easter 2010

And the year before that Sis was so cute in her cherry dress, and it was our first Easter as a family.

Just three short years. We went from three, to four, back to three. It just doesn't feel right to any of us to be THREE. And Annalise is three years old, and Daddy and I are both thirty-three - will the threes just leave us alone already! It must seem so dumb to anyone else, but to us- three is not our number. We always feel like four, and to us we will continue to be four, until God chooses to bless us with more to love. Right now it's tough, being three...
I have often thought what should become of this blog since we dedicated everything about it to Madeleine. To us she lives on in our home and in our hearts, and many people have told us in theirs too; what should I do now?

Don't You (Forget About Me)

It's funny how some things can stick with you, take on new meanings, new memories. Any kid of the 80s loves The Breakfast Club, and it's anthem. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdqoNKCCt7A

We just saw Pitch Perfect, and they reprised the song in a fun way. The song stuck with me for a few days. And for the first time, I was able to think of Madeleine, look at her pictures, dance around the kitchen with Sis to this song, and not burst into tears. We were finally able to create the first happy memory without sadness. That's a pretty big accomplishment. We miss her SO much!!!!! It was a good day