I want to do an un-sad update. I don't know if that's possible. My perception is misconstrued. The other day I shared how and what Annalise prays for. What I interpreted as her heartache and missing her sister, many perceived as faithful. I don't know how long that lasts, or if it ever goes away. Perhaps the closer we get to reuniting with Madeleine, the less it will hurt and always be understood as pain.
Big Sister just had her 4th birthday. It was a lovely two days just the three of us and new experiences. Dolphins are her new favorite animals after a whole day at Sea World and seeing them up close and personal. Sometimes it's been difficult to give ourselves permission to be happy, to enjoy those moments. And then when we do, and our minds play cruel tricks on us: Annalise never got to have a birthday with Madeleine in it. Her third birthday was very important to us to spend alone time with her after so much time apart living at the hospital, we decided then it should just be the three of us. It hadn't occurred to us Madeleine would be in heaven for the fourth. Some things we can't help regret.
This Fourth of July had a special highlight: big sister finally has the confidence to swim on her own. She still hates the loud booms and noises from the fireworks, but a long day in the pool nonetheless. Last 4th of July Madeleine was home from the hospital just 3 weeks with clean MRI results, and to be honest, I can't remember for the life of me what we did that day. The only thing I do know: it was the only one we had with her.
6 months. Tomorrow (Tuesday) it will be 6 months since we held her last. I wish it were longer than that. I want to look into the future, one day closer at a time, instead of looking back. Looking back included her in our arms, but looking back can quickly become a tangled web of pain, suffocating, despair. Up until now I have never experienced the painful sensations of suffocating: anxiety times 5. Perhaps like an allergic reaction. My throat constricts and nearly chokes me.
I can only describe my own sorrow, though I know Sister misses her immensely as well. Just recently she woke up very early and refused to go back to bed. I turned on a soothing tv program so she could lay on the couch and relax, it must have been about 6:30 am. About 3 hours later (yes, I know, terrible of me) she exploded into a fit when I turned off the television. She cried and screamed at me, stomped her foot, and cried some more. Upon calming her down, she was finally able to tell me that "the baby channel helps me learn about my sister. My sister is a baby. I miss her Mommy, I want to talk to her. And never again! I can't talk to her ever again!" My heart breaks for her. Though I know she won't ever forget her.
This afternoon we went for a walk and met neighbors down the street, two little boys, 3 and a half and 20 months. It was really the first time I didn't mention Madeleine when thinking of her, watching that little guy walk around with wide legs and that completely adorable way only he can say his big brother's name. I smiled and went back down the street, reminding myself that Annalise is here, she needs me every day, I love her more than life itself and I must never put her aside in place of my grief. I still have one smart, sassy, beautiful little girl to be the very best mommy I can be to her.
This afternoon we went for a walk and met neighbors down the street, two little boys, 3 and a half and 20 months. It was really the first time I didn't mention Madeleine when thinking of her, watching that little guy walk around with wide legs and that completely adorable way only he can say his big brother's name. I smiled and went back down the street, reminding myself that Annalise is here, she needs me every day, I love her more than life itself and I must never put her aside in place of my grief. I still have one smart, sassy, beautiful little girl to be the very best mommy I can be to her.
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