Thursday, June 28, 2018

Your baby sister’s first birthday

Dear Madeleine,
Every now and again I go back and read the snapshots of our life frozen in time within these written posts. It helps me to remain grateful for the time we had together, and for the time since. The other day I reread your Daddy's post about how he wanted to selfishly keep you and Annalise to himself. And how he promised to paint the most important and beautiful picture of you to any other siblings you may have. That made me smile and love him even more than I already do. The two little sisters we've welcomed in the last five years bring us such joy and sleepless nights. Violet at 3 years old absolutely knows your face and your status as her big sister- she will tell anybody when pointing to any of your pictures. She asks about you; she will tell me which toys belong to you. She even once told me that she played with you, and I have absolutely no doubt that her statement is true. I KNOW it in my bones that you are in our home daily. I feel your presence. And I know the innocent little children at least in my family have always had a clairvoyance difficult for adults to process.
So it is just a matter of time before Genevieve will also tell me she knows you and knows your face. Today is her first birthday! And I believe you have a special connection. I can't remember if she was still in my tummy or first born, when Annalise asked how will Madeleine know the baby? I told her just like with Violet, that you helped Jesus choose her for us. That all babies are a gift from heaven and you got to know them and love them even before us, before they came into this world and so you have a special relationship with each of your sisters. I will always tell them that story: Annalise got to have you here on earth, and they got to have you in heaven before they arrived. How precious, my Love!!
Miss you so much Squishy.... one day closer baby.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018

January 9, 2018

January 9, 2018

Five years. F I V E years!? How can that be? I don't need an anniversary to remind me how much I miss you or how long you've been gone. I just need space this day, to love you, to cry, to love our family as gentle and sweetly as I can, because that is what you are to me: pure, precious LOVE.
What this day reminds me of mostly is how much I wish I could hold you again, to feel your arms around my neck, to hear your sweet voice say Mama, or I love you. I'd give almost anything to have that just once more. So today, I will bake. I will cook. I will smile and say sweet things to your sisters and to Daddy, out of my everlasting love for you Madeleine.
See you in a wink my love. And please visit me in my dreams. Kiss kiss Squishy.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Christmas Eve 2017

On this Christmas Eve, I am tucked into my humble little home immensely grateful. I lay next to my sleeping infant, healthy and breathing so soundly in dreamland. I give my girls breakfast and enjoy the chill of the air next to the sweet smelling Christmas tree. It's hard to imagine Just 6 short years ago we were nowhere near this calm and peace, but overwhelmingly more grateful; I was finally able to hold and nurse my tiny 2 month old baby Madeleine after her first brain surgery. How unimaginable! So stressful! Indescribable in words the emotional weight and complexity of those days surrounding her first Christmas.
How we miss her and do not miss those days- we do our best to block the pain of that turmoil. But today, I remember to give reverence to the blessings surrounding me this day. And to acknowledge the thousands of parents today in hospital rooms, surgical waiting rooms, or mortuary rooms giving every ounce of themselves for their child fighting for a life too short lived, praying to God for more time. I honor and respect them, pray for their children and their journey. Give thanks this Christmas for your blessings and truly remember life is worse for someone else out there. Love yours and tell them, for another Christmas is not promised.

Please excuse typos. Sent from my iPhone

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Thinking of you

Thinking of this beauty so much the last two days. Thinking of how am I honoring her life, her memory, now and in the future. I think Annalise does the best job at this. She's not afraid to. She honors her every single day, out loud, for anyone to see. Mine is more private, and still painful. I try to press on every day. I can't change her leaving, and I haven't accepted that. I'm stuck. Between pain and hope.
Madeleine, my love for you is so so strong. I try to imagine you running around with bouncy curls as a 4yr old. I wish these could stay happy thoughts, but it crushes me. And in your physical absence you make me a better person. I know you are with me, you see me, you touch me, comfort me. This is an never ending journey and challenge. Love Never Ends.