Tuesday, April 22, 2014

A Victory for Moms

Yesterday I fell apart. Trying to keep Easter a joyful day, I suppressed all of my emotions missing her. They came spilling from me intermittently on Monday. Thankfully I have good friends who listen; just listen. A head nod; an acknowledgement that this is hard and awful but you're fighting for you and your family; all so supportive. I am so thankful that even in mini crises, I have support.

Today, I arrived to work early.
Last April, I could barely get out of bed if I even went to sleep the night before.

Today I stood in front of a mirror and applied my makeup.
Last April, I barely combed my hair twice in one week, much less put makeup on my face.

Today, I felt just a little victory in the progress of my life: as a wife, as a mother, as a woman.

I know I am not the only woman, the only mother, to feel like life just shouldn't go on. I know I am not the only mother to have these hopeless experiences. I know I am not the only mother who still cries herself to sleep at night missing the warmth of her child's arms around her neck, or a little rub of her child's nose to hers, or hearing that sweet, precious voice in her ears. Those women, those mothers, I love with as much intensity as I miss my child. Because they miss theirs as well. And I know what that feels like.

Today, I am claiming a little victory for mothers of broken hearts, with their missing piece in heaven. We will get out of bed and make our child proud of our strength and endurance to live the life we must with some hope and joy.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Holding On

Today I really tried.
Long ago I got into the very bad habit of saving nearly every article of clothing for Madeleine. We've got every season from NB to size 6/M and everything in between.
Why am I keeping all of these clothes?? I really cannot get rid of Madeleine's- maybe one day but it isn't going to be soon... when it's all you have left, most mothers of angels will tell you we keep all the toys and clothes and pictures like treasures. What about everything else?
My head knows as well as my heart: I'm not saving them for anyone. So why not just get rid of them?
I really want to believe that God is not done with growing our family, that maybe one day we will have a little one to dress again. I want to believe with all of my heart.
So today I filled up one bag of clothes. Just one. When I could outfit an entire little girl's boutique, I filled up one bag of clothes to pass along.
As far as I'm concerned, that's progress.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Valentine's Day

Although this picture was not taken on Valentines Day for some reason it makes my heart sail and explode with love. Her shining face and electric smile capture me and I'm comforted.

I miss you like crazy mamas. Happy Valentines Day my sweet.