Trying to find Joy everywhere

I have to apologize to those I welcomed to come visit and have yet to confirm. We've decided not to have any more visitors. Each day gets harder. In the last week we've definitely taken notice of Madeleine's changes as well her little victories. She's still getting up every day and interacting with us by eye contact. She enjoys watching cell phone videos of herself and her sister. She enjoys looking at pictures of familiar faces. She is still swallowing and taking all of her medicines. Dr Davidson came to visit last Wednesday and spent over an hour talking to her and holding her. She shared with us that she was pleased to see Madeleine's comfort level at that time, which did provide us with a certain level of relief considering what we've been witnessing. She may be coming back to visit this week since Madeleine does seem to be experiencing additional spontaneous pain and we have seen changes. We want to protect her and keep these days private among us; it is very important to Jeff and I that we and everyone remember Madeleine as she really is, a child of wonder, joy, laughter, silliness and sunshine, and not as she is in her current condition.  For that reason, I will not go into detail about her symptoms, disease progression, or our emotional health, but rather share a happy story, Madeleine's  birth story.

A mild autumn Sunday morning, about 5 am a very pregnant mama got up for the 100th time to use the restroom. The night before we attended a 1st birthday party for our little friend Sophie when suddenly I felt very tired that we left and came home. Luckily I was in the restroom when my water broke. I nudged Jeff from sleep to tell him the baby could be coming today, and I went back to bed. For months I had my heart set on an all-natural delivery and had focused my effort on my yoga practice and centering my mind "upwards and inwards." A half hour later, I sent my mom a text, saying "I think it's Labor Day :)" since Madeleine was not due for another week. Another half hour and the contractions were steady and manageable, considering I had recently learned the meditation practice in yoga, and I was able to keep myself half way between asleep yet cognizant of the contractions. By 9:00 am I was packing our hospital overnight bag between contractions and stayed on the phone with my mother, who urged me to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. Rather suddenly Madeleine decided she was coming, and the contractions were about 6 minutes apart. Jeff's father rushed over to pick up Annalise and I shoved myself into the backseat. We lived 12 miles from the hospital. The entire car ride to the hospital was humorous; during contractions it seemed to take everything to keep from delivering her in the car on the freeway! 
Jeff rushed me through the ER up to Labor & Delivery and in 10 minutes the triage nurse realized I wasn't kidding when I said, "this baby is coming now!!" Two nurses and Jeff then rushed me into a delivery room, and within 10 minutes and two big pushes, little miss Madeleine was born at 11:21 am. Her head was perfectly rounded :) We laughed at how quickly everything transpired and we got plenty of envious notes from other mothers at how lucky I was for such a speedy labor and delivery. It makes me smile now thinking about how empowered and connected to Madeleine I felt after her birth, a joyful memory I will have all of my life.

The other day two very dear friends of mine wrote very kind words on my last post about what Madeleine has meant to each of them. It was exactly what I needed to read on a day I felt so glum. We welcome personal stories of how Madeleine has affected people individually or special memories of her. It's just what we need at a time like now.