Wake me up when September Ends

Green Day. Never would have thought a Green Day song would remind me of how I really feel. 

An excerpt:

"As my memory rests

But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends"

Every September for the rest of my life will be this way. September is childhood cancer awareness month, which is SO very important! It's also the month before Madeleine's birthday. As important as it is to me to continue advocating and doing what I can to help find a cure, it is also a CONSTANT reminder of why my child is not here. Wake me up when September ends. I'm in a fairly consistent state of heartbreak, sadness, and exhaustion; to actively grieve is extremely hard on the body (see Facets of Life: exhausted mom meets grieving mom). To this day I haven't felt so consistently the sheer exhaustion of grief. I'm ready for it to be over. For me, it's a very hard, hard month.

First Day Feelings

Today I started my new job. I haven't worked a full time job in over 2 years. The last time I went to a full time job, I had a big pregnant belly, expecting a beautiful healthy new baby. And while today should be about the excitement, anxiety or humor of the day, I'm reminded instead of another first day, the first day of the rest of my life. Thursday, December 22, 2011. Not many who reads this will remember that day like we do. I remember I called my grandparents to ask for intense prayers. I called my mother on her way to my sister's school play. I made those calls on our way to the emergency room where a neurosurgeon was waiting for us, expecting us. It was the day nothing made sense and I was scared beyond the depths of my soul.

Please read about Madeleine's Day 1. Read it today. Now. Allow yourself to feel what you may, knowing now what you didn't know then. That feeling in your chest, that shake of your head, that tear on your cheek; let it resonate. 

And then please share it. Share what you felt on your first day, the first day you learned about Madeleine, what you thought, what you felt, what it made you do. Please, if you love our girl, please continue to share her story and what effect she had on you. Because that day, December 22, 2011, I wasn't a cancer mom yet. I had no clue, no real awareness about pediatric cancer. In fact I didn't even realize when they said "she has a mass in her brain, we think it could be a tumor," even THAT statement did not translate to me: my child may have cancer.

We have to educate the world around us. Everyone should have a cause: homelessness, human trafficking, animal cruelty, universal healthcare, animal rights. Whatever it may be, have a cause, do something right for the planet and humanity. If you haven't yet found your CAUSE, please join mine. A CURE for children with cancer.