Friday, January 11, 2013
Daddy wants to say something!
It is with great reluctance that I have just now decided to write on my daughters blog. Throughout this journey, the love of my life, and mother of my two beautiful girls, Veronica, has taken on the daunting task of informing and updating those FORTUNATE not to have to endure Madeleine's battle in person. With an extremely candid, detailed, and most importantly loving approach, Veronica has provided more insight into what not only Madeleine, but our small and resilient family has had to endure this last year. Those who know me personally know far too well that I rarely am at a loss for words. In fact some would argue that I have this innate ability and timing to say exactly what needs to be said at just the right moment… I was at a loss for words for the first time in my life. In retrospect I now realize that there were several forces at play rendering me silent. The most prevalent of those forces was the self imposed realization that the words needed to adequately describe Madeleine simply had yet to exist. Of course my praise and admiration is somewhat biased of Madeleine because I hold my children in such high regard to begin with. I would expect any self respecting parent feels no less about their own children. The other reason I refrained from sharing, I'm embarrassed to say is a selfish one. The experiences and memories I have of Madeleine are mine, and mine alone. As I consider Veronica to be the better part of me, and I equate Annalise to being the smaller and easier to carry replica of me, I openly and lovingly share with them. Of course if it's the Lords will to ever bless us again with more precious angels, I will certainly make it my life's goal to paint a vivid portrait of their baby sister in heaven for them as well, but that's it. Madeleine and my memories, selfishly are mine to keep, cherish, and reflect on until the day I leave this world and can pick her up and hold her in my arms once again.
I would like to take this opportunity to address a reoccurring sentiment that many have expressed. I just can't imagine what you must be feeling right now! I can only offer insight into what I am currently feeling as a grieving father and husband. I simply can't speak on behalf of Veronica or my daughter Annalise because I feel inadequate to speak justly for them. My girls mean the world to me and I fear that I would be a disservice to their feelings. To begin, I don't know how to categorize my emotions at this moment into just one word. I can tell you that what I feel is not only overwhelming, but debilitating. I spent the last several days at home with Madeleine holding, caressing, kissing, smelling, and staring at her, all the while asking every single one of my senses to work more efficiently than ever before to commit my baby to memory before it was too late. There were a lifetime of memories and experiences that I had to consolidate into a very short period of time. I needed to take in as much as possible to sustain me until I saw her again in heaven. I am at peace with the fact that my daughter is no longer in pain. I don't mourn the loss of my daughter to the extent that most people feel I should. It's not for a lack of emotion either. I refuse to cry about that fact that my daughter who never knew a life without physical pain, is no longer hurting. Her disease will remain with her body, and we will lay that to rest underground shortly. Her spirit, which I have fallen madly in love with and will cherish forever, is alive and well. For this, I am happy and at peace. A dear friend of mine who also lost his only son a few years back, put things into perspective for me. He said my baby is in my past, and I will forever have her there to love, but she is also in my future. If it's my wish to see her again, I can't mourn and stop my life for too long. I need to get myself up and continue to live out my life. The sooner I move forward, the closer I'll be to seeing her again… Daddy's coming baby!
The last thing I would like to discuss and acknowledge is more of a cautionary discussion to all of those men out there who have had or will have the honor of having a child. I am not a physical or violent person by any source of the imagination. I am outraged however by the disregard and disgusting laziness that some BOYS have for their perfectly healthy and LIVING children. I begged the Lord more times than I care to remember to transfer Madeleines disease over to me. I would gladly die in return for any of my babies to live. My plea unfortunately never came to be. For your sake, I pray that you never treat your children with any less love, admiration , and selflessness that I had intended for Madeleine. So help you GOD! Always remember, your baby eats before you so much as touch a piece of food. Your baby has everything they need or want within your God given ability before you consider waisting a penny on yourself. Most importantly, your baby will never lay down to sleep with an ounce of doubt or uncertainty of their Daddy's unwavering devotion and commitment to them. Do this, because they deserve no less. If you can't, send your angels to me!!!
I love you Veronica, Annalise, and my guardian angel Madeleine, with all of my being. I will spend the rest of my life proving this to you all!
God bless- Daddy