RELAPSE

I am so tired.
I realize I have let our support network down.
At one point in time in June, I used the analogy of Madeleine's treatment as a tightrope walk, that I was so desperately looking forward to her reaching the other side, because it meant something larger than she or I or any of us. And that was true. But the tightrope walk is just one act. There are many acts to a circus, a whole program before everyone gets to go home.
I failed to fully communicate that Madeleine's treatment was not the end of the road, the end of her journey with cancer that would never affect her and our lives again. I realize that people- caring people - are trying to be supportive when they tell us that now we can go on with our lives, that we can begin to "'rebuild," (Jeff hates that one) or that it's finally over. Her treatment was just one act.

Madeleine has a tumor. Again.

I had faith that she would be okay, that she was going to continue to ward off this bleep monster. I understand the concept of unanswered prayers all too well. But this was not supposed to be one of them!!!!
I am angry!
There is no explanation as to why the relapse has occurred so quickly. We saw the scans from today and the one in June side by side - it happened with the snap of fingers. And I'm bleeping pissed!!!
So is Annalise. She doesn't know what's going on. She hears the words "surgery," "back to the hospital," "what now".... she lost it. She had a complete meltdown of anger- rage even. I can't say that I blame her. We are just dying inside to know how to comfort her, how to reassure her when none of this past year makes any sense!!!! We are overcome with guilt.
Do you know what it's like to live your life as if today could be the last day with your child?
Would you ever forgive yourself if you were not there on that day, God forbid?
Yes, she made it. Madeleine survived and we celebrated. But it was also a high price for our eldest daughter, who came to resent us for essentially abandoning her. It may be explainable to us, to you, but not to a 2 year old. And we simply cannot do that to her again.
We are lost. It's so early on in the relapse process to even begin to PROCESS the feelings, the emotions, the guilt, the anger, the sadness, the devastation, the fear, the worry, the what-are-we-going-to-do.
We are so desperately in need of prayer.

Madeleine will have a spinal tap and ultrasound Friday morning to hopefully rule out any other forms of disease in her belly, kidneys and spinal fluid. Those results must be negative if we are to have hope in continuing her fight. We appreciate your prayers so so very much. God Bless