Easter and threes

It has been almost three months.

In the quiet of today's afternoon while the kids are napping, I'm taking the batteries out of the baby toys to put them into storage. They've been sitting in a basket in my room for 2 weeks. It was hard enough to gather them all together, to separate them from the life we so desperately tried to instill in Big Sister that were there to share, and separate them to put away. The truth is we need the space. I am being forced to put  Madeleine's memories away out of necessity. That was enough that day. I thought today I've got to get these put away already, it's just taking up space, cluttering. I made sure all of the power buttons and switches were turned off; the sound of her toys bursts me into tears every time. And one by one I removed the batteries from each little door. No more life in those toys. Unable to make any more sounds. And I'm going to put them into a plastic box and put it out of sight, just like I frequently do with my feelings so I don't have to feel how bad I hurt, how much I miss her, how much I wish I could hold her or hear her laugh or see her smile. Because every time I allow myself to feel it, a part of me dies inside, over and over again. I know God had another purpose for Madeleine, I just don't like it that she's away from me. One day here, the next day gone- I felt prepared, I felt like watching her suffer was the most unimaginable thing I would ever experience in my lifetime. And perhaps it was. Right now just feels like hell.

This Easter- a new one for the books, just like the one before it, and the one before that, and the one before that. This year our baby is in heaven, and we are heartbroken. To add insult to injury, the gorgeous cross her grandmother made for her disappeared from her grave site.

We all felt like a punch to the gut, another slash across our broken hearts. God help the person who took it, if that's what happened, because they clearly have no conscience at all, stealing from a child's grave. Jeff and I hope and pray it was the wind, and that we can still get it back. Grandma is on the hunt with the cemetery office if it was the gardening staff.

Easter 2012

Last Easter Madeleine was in the hospital, so we were too; Sister was 2 years old and having a blast at church and at the Easter egg hunt and family party- mommy and daddy who....

The year before that Madeleine was still the unnamed baby I was nurturing in my womb, trying to do everything right to make a healthy baby, and Sister looked so pretty.

Easter 2011

Easter 2010

And the year before that Sis was so cute in her cherry dress, and it was our first Easter as a family.

Just three short years. We went from three, to four, back to three. It just doesn't feel right to any of us to be THREE. And Annalise is three years old, and Daddy and I are both thirty-three - will the threes just leave us alone already! It must seem so dumb to anyone else, but to us- three is not our number. We always feel like four, and to us we will continue to be four, until God chooses to bless us with more to love. Right now it's tough, being three...
I have often thought what should become of this blog since we dedicated everything about it to Madeleine. To us she lives on in our home and in our hearts, and many people have told us in theirs too; what should I do now?