Sorry I haven't really been in the mood to update or talk to anyone. Although it sounds very silly to say or admit, the environment has a big impact on me when we're here, and I think on Madeleine as well. For people who have not been able to visit, the ped oncology unit is a long hallway of mostly private rooms. Towards the front door is the doctors' conference room, all of the utility rooms & staff lounge and a very busy nurse's station so it's NOISY; the rooms in the front section of the unit have thinner walls and a god-awful view of the building 50 yards away - you can't see the sky. 

Room 3515 has not been good to us; this is where we spent our very first chemo cycle when Madeleine was so sick, and again we came back to this room when she was transferred back from PICU during her sepsis episode. This room has bad vibes to me. It's also unfortunate that there are three babies, including Madeleine currently being treated, in 13, 15 and 17 that all set each other off when one of them cries because the walls are so thin. So needless to say, Momma has not been in the best of spirits. I've asked to change rooms. The second half of the unit has windows that see out to the front of the hospital, where there's sunshine and you can't hear all the nonsense in the hallway and the neighbors. It puts us all in a better place psychologically. It's hard to be upbeat or keep a positive attitude when the hate I have for this place - meaning the whole cancer thing and actually having to poison my daughter to make her well again - stares me in the face when all the little things get to me. I'm relieved a friend is coming to visit this afternoon and give me a hug.

But this isn't about me!!! I keep having to remind myself, this is all for and about Madeleine. Her chemo is officially OVER!!!! We now just ride out the symptoms and side effects as her bone marrow is completely wiped out and her body slowly recovers. The first 2-10 days are the hardest because she has contact precautions and we're not supposed to have skin-to-skin contact with her to protect ourselves from the chemo toxicity. Yea, explain that to a nursing infant who hasn't yet got solids down and is lip-locked against taking a bottle. (For moms that I thought either weren't trying hard enough or were exaggerating their kids not taking a bottle, I apologize for ever doubting you! Madeleine vehemently refuses!) Her vomiting is not quite yet under control so we're modifying her meds little by little so hopefully she's not feeling too bad. It's all manageable but anyone with kids knows that when your little one is sick, all you want is to make them better.